


From Death Through Darkness

by sidebyside_archivist



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Pon Farr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-01
Updated: 2007-06-01
Packaged: 2020-06-26 09:10:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19765063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidebyside_archivist/pseuds/sidebyside_archivist
Summary: Spock enters pon farr a month after the Fal-Tor-Pan. What does Kirk do?





	From Death Through Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Note from LadyKardasi and Sahviere, the archivists: this story was originally archived at [Side by Side](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Side_by_Side_\(Star_Trek:_TOS_zine\)) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. We tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Side by Side’s collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sidebyside/profile).

"Jim. Your name is Jim."

Kirk replayed the scene in his mind, holding onto that one small token of recognition. Hope kept him going now, the crazy hope that whoever Spock was, and whatever he had become, some part of the Spock he had known, the Spock he had loved, was still alive.

There wasn't much to occupy him in the basic human dwelling quarters which the Vulcans had provided him and his disgraced crew. There was rust-brown wall carpeting at eye level, which didn't look very different from the view outside. He wished he had some decorations to cover it up, but he had really brought nothing with him, nothing but his burning desire to bring Spock back.

After the excitement of Spock's return had passed, the mood among the crew became somber. Spock was hidden from them, kept under the watchful care of Vulcan acolytes, and progress reports were slim. Meanwhile, the Federation had begun hearings on Earth about the matter. With every day, the certainty increased of receiving orders to return and face trial, though--through whose influence Kirk was uncertain--Vulcan was dragging its heels about turning them over. Kirk would have preferred to face his accusers immediately, but he needed the time to know if Spock was all right.

There was a rapping on the door. "Jim?" It was McCoy.

"Come in," Kirk said, and moved further into the tiny space to give McCoy room. "Bones," he nodded, "I'm sorry I'm not very good company right now."

"You should come out of your hidey-hole. We're worried about you, and besides, you could use some company."

"They shouldn't see me like this. I know what we face ahead will be difficult, and we all need to muster the resolve to see it through."

"Naw, I don't know--we might could make a run for it."

Kirk shot him an acid look.

"Stranger things have happened."

"Are you alright?" Kirk asked him. "Really."

"Maybe. I don't know how to describe it. There's a sense of loss . . . maybe I just got used to having him lookin' over my shoulder. But if you mean, do I have all my marbles, yes, I don't think I'm missin' anything."

"Well, that's a relief, at least. And if you have all your marbles, hopefully Spock has all of his."

"I hate to point this out, Jim, but there's quite a difference between being freed of a too-friendly ghost and coming back from the dead."

"He wasn't dead. Sarek said that this katra was everything he was, and that was never dead."

"Jim, he *was* dead. You have to accept that. Spock may not be coming back, at least not in the way that you knew him."

"No. I won't believe that. I can't accept anything else."

"Jim, you have to. I miss that old sonuvagun as much as you do--well, almost as much, anyway. But there comes a point when a person has to accept the truth, has to grieve. You need to let go, to accept that pain and live through it. Do it for Spock's sake."

"What do you mean?"

"He's confused ... his mental capacities may be diminished, I don't know. I do know that he's trying to relearn a lifetime of training, knowledge, social behavior--everything--in a very short period of time. If I had to guess--and I do have to guess, because the Vulcans aren't saying very much--his memories are coming back slowly, in fragments. If you get the chance to see him again, Jim, are you going to demand that he be the same person he was before he went into that radiation chamber?"

"I can't . . . I can't grieve. I'll fall apart. And I can't stop believing . . . that he has that potential, inside of him. Bones, he was the best person I ever knew, the kindest, the most courageous, the most patient . . ."

"He was also stubborn, headstrong, reckless when he thought it was justified, and ruthless in a battle of words. He disobeyed orders, he withheld information--heck, he didn't even warn you that time that Sarek was his father. Embarrassed you pretty badly, as I recall.

"I'm not trying to hurt you by pointing this out, I just want you to remember that he had shortcomings, like all of us. He wasn't always right, and he didn't always do the right thing. He tried, like any of us. Okay, Jim?" McCoy patted Kirk on the back, but Kirk didn't speak.

Suddenly Kirk sat straight up. His heart was pounding.

"Jim, are you okay?"

Kirk shook his head. He was sweating. "No . . . Bones . . . something odd . . . it's Spock, I can feel it. Something's not right. I have to go to him. Bones! No, don't stop me."

"Jim, I'm trying to help you. You're letting go of what remains of your sanity. Please!"

"No, I have to go to him. It's serious."

"Jim! Jim!" McCoy shook his shoulders as they struggled. "Admiral Kirk Captain Sir! Spock is in the capable hands of the Vulcans. They're doing everything they can for him. Please, just sit down and forget about this foolishness."

The strength seemed to go out of Kirk. Cowed, he sat down gingerly. "Am I going crazy? Was I really trying to run out of here like a madman?"

"You keep bottling it up all inside, you really will lose your head."

"I . . . I could swear I heard him, clear as day."

Kirk scarcely had a moment to ponder the notion when both he and McCoy were startled by a pounding at the door. Kirk jumped up and hit the door button. It was Scotty, and he looked like he'd been running. "Admiral, we just got a call from the facility where they're keeping Spock. They wouldna explain a thing, but asked for you, Admiral, and they said it's urgent."

McCoy picked himself up. "There may be hope for us geezers after all."

***

The interior of the facility was faceless whitewashed stucco over stone. Kirk followed the healer who had let him in and tried to keep track of the path, but between his emotional state and the numerous doorways and turns, he finally found himself hopelessly lost. On the way he passed Vulcans in the robes of monks or acolytes and realized that this was not a purely medical facility.

They stopped before windowless double doors. A Vulcan matron with an elaborate headdress--though not T'Lar--stood to one side, and Spock's father, Ambassador Sarek, to the other.

The healer stopped there, turned around, and left. Kirk caught his breath and tried to project a more forceful presence.

"Admiral Kirk," Sarek said, "it is well that you have come."

"It's Spock, isn't it?" Kirk said stupidly. "Is he alright?"

"His hour of need has come," the matron stated, "and he awaits you."

Kirk stepped forward. "Does he remember?"

Sarek shook his head. "He remembers little. More will come to him in time, but it is a difficult process."

"Does he remember me?"

"He knows you," Sarek said, pensively, "but he does not know who you are. Whatever it is you expect, Kirk, I suggest you put those expectations--and emotions--aside. He has a childlike mentality in an adult's body. He does not understand what is happening to him."

"Oh, no."

The Vulcan matron spoke again. "In his current state, he could be dangerous to you. Law and custom do not compel you to go inside. You have the right to refuse."

Kirk looked at Sarek, then at her. "Never. Tell me what to do."

***

The chamber had been made more comfortable by the addition of a large, soft mattress-bed in the middle of the floor, along with some pillows and blankets, but Spock was deriving no comfort from them. He was lying on his side, doubled over with pain. When Kirk walked in, the three Vulcan priestesses who had been tending to him looked up, stood, and left. Kirk barely noticed. "Spock," he whispered, and went to his side. Grabbing Spock's shoulders, he said his name more forcefully. "Spock!"

Spock gasped. "The pain . . . why?"

"Spock, it's me. It's Jim. I came for you. It's going to be all right."

"Jim?" Spock blindly reached for his arm. "It burns. Help me."

"Shh," Kirk cradled Spock's upper body. "It's all right. I'm here. You're going to get better."

He loosened the tie to Spock's robe. "Let me take this off. Yes, good, just like that."

Spock started to comply, then looked up bashfully. "This isn't wrong?"

Kirk frowned. "Why would it be wrong?"

Spock blinked. "I do not know."

Spock was wearing tight gray undergarments, and Kirk could clearly see the massive hard-on that was giving Spock all that trouble.

"Will you let me touch you?" Kirk asked, refusing to credit the desperate note in his voice.

But Spock didn't understand. "Why are you doing this?"

"To help you. You're burning. There's only one way to ease that burning. We must join, become one. You are my bondmate, Spock. Don't you remember?"

"I remember--I remember this is pon farr." Spock grimaced. "You mustn't see me like this. I could hurt you."

Kirk took a deep breath and all but bit his tongue. "You did hurt me--once. It was a long time ago. We're bonded now. It's right for us to be together, to join. Trust me. Please ... just ... trust me. You know my name. You know I'm someone you can trust."

Kirk ran his hand through Spock's disordered hair. "Please, Spock. Let me in. Just this once." He leaned forward and pressed his dry lips against Spock's. Slowly, he widened the embrace, pulling Spock towards him in a hug and then lying down on top of him. Spock was responding tentatively to the kissing as Kirk insinuated his knee between Spock's legs and started to rub his erection.

Spock may have been confused, but his body remembered what to do. Spock suddenly seized Kirk by the upper arms and they rolled over, so that Spock was on top, pinning him, half on the mattress and half on the cold floor. Without really meaning to, Spock had his hand on Kirk's cheek and opened a meld. Kirk's world turned green. Pure need was pouring through the bond and Kirk had never known Spock's mind to be so undisciplined.

He wished he were a stronger, wiser, more capable man, to be equal to Spock's needs, but then he shook off the weakness and focused on the present. He *had* to be good enough. He reached for Spock's mind, to show him that he was open, ready, and waiting for him. Bits and pieces of memories, of places, names, and people tantalized him, through shrouds of confusion and frustration. Kirk had to stop that evil comparison in his mind to what a meld with Spock had been like, before, but it hurt, god dammit, it hurt. The wound was still too fresh.

Kirk came to, flat on his back, expecting that his clothes were now in shreds, but when he felt himself over he was still clothed and unbruised. Spock was hunched over him, weeping.

Kirk sat up and embraced him again, rocking him back and forth. "I'm sorry," Kirk said. "That pain you feel is mine, and it's selfish. You're here, and I'm here, and I'm going to make you feel really, really good. I promise."

Satisfied that the tears had stopped, Kirk started to take off his clothes, tossing them carelessly in the corner. Spock seemed to get the picture and peeled himself out of his undergarments. Kirk slipped out of his briefs and socks and turned around just in time to see Spock look down at his flaming erection. Seemingly disturbed by the sight, he quickly covered it with a blanket.

Kirk approached Spock very gently and kneeled beside him. "Spock," he said, "why do you cover yourself?" He reached for Spock's hand. "Are you ashamed?"

Spock nodded, once.

"Why?"

"I shouldn't . . . It isn't right to be seen like this."

"Who told you that, Spock?" Kirk thought about it a moment. "Did they catch you touching yourself?"

"Yes," Spock said roughly.

"Okay. We don't show this to everyone, but now is the time for showing. No shame."

Spock looked at Kirk openly, so trusting.

"Show me," Kirk insisted.

Spock pulled the blanket down.

Kirk smiled. "Let me touch you. Let me make love to you." He reached for Spock's naked cock and milked it with his hand. Spock moaned with pleasure, his back arching. Kirk sank down and took the head of Spock's penis in his mouth. So good. It was so good.

Kirk pulled away, and shut his eyes. He had to stop, stop the flow of emotion--of grief, of longing, of anger. Spock needed him here, now, not reliving some other time and place, some other Spock.

Kirk opened his eyes. It was decided. "You," he said frankly, "are going to screw me into the mattress, and you're going to enjoy it. And when you're done, maybe I will do the same for you."

"Screw?"

"Fuck? Copulate? That thing where you spread my legs and have your way with me?" Kirk nodded towards the cabinet. "They left lube for us. I'll make the preparations."

Spock was patient, more patient than Kirk had ever known him to be during his time. His gaps in memory and knowledge accorded him a certain innocence, a blank space where his imagination should have been torturing him with every possible image of coitus, of completion. Kirk found the lube and prepared himself, then Spock, who seemed to find the touch almost painful. "Easy, big boy," Kirk said affectionately. "You're going to like this. I promise." He lay back and guided Spock into position. Instinct and pleasure took over, as Spock penetrated and began to thrust. Kirk used his thighs to teach Spock the proper rhythm. Even the first time, Spock hadn't been this spacey, and, as Spock proceeded to screw him into the mattress, as promised, Kirk began to worry if Spock was coherent enough to achieve orgasm.

He knew he could have gotten Spock off by blowing him; he just couldn't keep his own head straight. The words of the Vulcan matron were mocking him. *"In his current state, he may be dangerous to you."* No! Never! Kirk balled his fists. "We are going to make it."

Kirk was not as flexible as he had been in younger years, but he was determined, and that was all that mattered. He dug into the small of Spock's back with the backs of his heels, stimulating Spock's internal Vulcan testes. Spock started a bit, then leaned into the pressure and came.

For a while all was quiet but the pounding in Kirk's ears. Spock was leaning over him. "Spock?"

"Ahhh." Spock slid down until he was lying on top of Kirk. "Ahhh, it does feel good."

Kirk smiled and cradled Spock's head. "Now we just do that about a dozen more times and you'll be good as new."

Spock propped himself up on his elbows. "Jim. We are bonded?"

"Yes."

He looked away, thinking. "Yes, you said so. I recall. Today is quite hazy. What is wrong with me?"

"It's pon farr. The time of mating. Or so you told me a long time ago."

"I do not remember."

"I know, but . . . it's okay now."

"It does not last long?" Spock seemed almost disappointed.

"Not really, not when we're together like this." Kirk was disappointed too. If only there were some way to convince the Vulcan healers to let him see Spock more often.

"Will you stay here, when it's over?"

Kirk sighed. "If they let me. Everyone's concerned about your development, and they don't really want me around."

Spock went silent for a while. "Do not . . . do not bondmates lie together? I do remember--you held me, and I was not alone."

Kirk's heart was going to burst. "They do . . . and we did."

"Oh, Jim! The burning has started again."

"I know. I feel it too. Let me help."

***

Spock slept soundly at the conclusion of his Time--probably exhausted, Kirk supposed--but Kirk, wrapped in Spock's arms, could find no rest. They were going to tear him away from Spock, and very soon. He wasn't sure his human heart could bear it.

Maybe it was better for Spock. Spock's mind was undisciplined, and Kirk's mind was only disciplined "for a human." Spock needed to meld with Vulcan masters who could teach him how to control. Probably they would convince him to hide and suppress his emotions again, and while Kirk didn't like it, he decided he could live with it. What he couldn't live with very well was being apart from Spock. Now that he'd met him, the new Spock, he couldn't imagine not helping him, teaching him . . . loving him.

Spock stirred, and woke. "Jim. My bondmate."

Kirk smiled. "Always."

"You should stay here, with me."

Kirk could hardly bear it. "I don't know what I can do, but I'll try. I'll throw a fit, a tantrum. They'll be so flabbergasted they'll have to let me see you." Kirk squeezed Spock's flesh, hard. "There are a lot of . . . things going on right now. Maybe you don't understand yet, but a price has to be paid. I don't want to hurt you, but it may be a very long time." Kirk shook his head. "Just hold me, please."

"I do not understand," Spock said. "I need you."

"I know," Kirk gasped. "I've always known."

Sheltered by Spock's rough embrace, Kirk gave into his own exhaustion.

***

Kirk looked over the newly dubbed HMS Bounty, and his rag-tag crew. The time of reckoning was at hand. He couldn't quite get into their black humor. Spock was close, and what this might do to Spock was not at all funny. He looked up, and saw him standing on the red stone hillside, before he turned and vanished from sight. Spock had been released by the healers, that much he knew. What would they do for a Vulcan whose mate was quite likely to spend the rest of his life in prison? Well, at least twenty years, if the bench was merciful. Certainly long enough. . . . It was like punishing Spock along with him--or was that too self-centered?

Kirk crossed the gravel yard, lost in thought. Sarek was already on Earth, defending his actions to the Klingons. Kirk didn't feel sorry for the Klingons, not after the destruction of the Grissom and the cruel murder of his son. He doubted that the Federation Council would be terribly sympathetic either. Two hundred scientists to a dozen Klingon rogue operators? No contest. The Klingon Empire was not what it once was. No, it was the admirals of Starfleet who would come down on his head, and he didn't blame them. He had stolen a starship, defied orders, and entered a forbidden sector, chasing the mere rumor that his friend was still alive, some Vulcan hogwash they probably wouldn't believe.

What did they know about it, anyway? They didn't know that the bond was a throbbing, living thing within him. They didn't know, safely chained behind their desks, what it was like to see someone cheerfully give his life for you. They couldn't understand the debt he owed Spock, or the guilt for not being good enough, for not being there soon enough, for being behind the glass and unable to comfort him when he was dying.

"Jim." It was McCoy. "There's someone here to see you."

"Who?" Kirk said too quickly.

"Jim, c'mon." McCoy began to lead him back to the ship. "We're about to ship out, so pull yourself together."

"I am together. I'm *always* together."

"Lie to your mother, not your shrink."

"Bones--" Kirk began, exasperated, but stopped. It was the lady in blue--Spock's mother, Amanda. God alone knew how she had made it through the past year.

"Lady Amanda," Kirk said, feigning confidence.

"Admiral Kirk," she said politely, and then smiled. "Jim."

"You came to see me?"

"The teachers say that Spock's re-education is complete."

"That's wonderful news," Kirk said, but the conviction behind the words was strained. He had been waiting while Spock was in treatment, but now that time was over and the true separation was about to begin.

"Don't be surprised if he comes down here shortly. He wishes to travel to Earth with you."

"Oh," Kirk said, feeling humbled. He hadn't asked for this, but it was a precious gift. "What happens if we aren't coming back?"

Amanda looked pained. "His father will be there on Earth."

Kirk's heart went out to her. "I don't even know how to apologize for all you've been through."

"You brought my son back," she said. "You did more than anyone could have hoped for."

Kirk shook his head. "It never should have come to this."

Amanda stepped forward. "Listen to me: I don't blame you for what happened with Genesis. I've been able to find out precious little about what happened, but I know what kind of man you are."

"I ask myself every day what I could have done differently, and I know . . . I know . . ."

Amanda, though conditioned otherwise by many years on Vulcan, finally broke her reserve and reached out to Kirk. "You have to stop blaming yourself," she said firmly, and squeezed his shoulder. "You can't live that way. Believe me, I'm a mother: I know."

"She's right, Jim," McCoy added. "It's over and done with and you need to let it go. Besides, you couldn't know what Khan had planned."

Kirk straightened his spine, collecting himself. "I didn't know about that nasty surprise my son left in that device, either. You know, I signed off on that project without looking at it too closely. If only I'd--"

"Jim," McCoy said, "even Carol Marcus didn't know he used proto-matter. How were *you* supposed to know?"

"I guess you're right," he mumbled.

"I'm not so sure we should be discussing this in front of her."

"Are you kidding? She's cool."

"My lips are sealed," Amanda affirmed.

"It really is hard to let go," Kirk said. "It's hard to accept that I don't have power over everything," he joked.

"Maybe it's when we finally accept that we don't have power over everything," Amanda said, "that we finally learn to be free."

"Wise words," McCoy said.

"This from a man who doesn't know when to quit, himself."

"That's why I said, wise words."

***

The final pre-launch checks were being run, and Kirk bustled about, trying to put his mind off the fact that Spock had not yet made an appearance. He need not have worried. With his typical uncanny timing, Spock arrived.

"Permission to come aboard, Admiral?"

If Spock were here, he could take anything. "Permission granted."


End file.
